The Bodice Rippeth – Christmas 2009

Welcome to the special Christmas edition of The Bodice Rippeth!  The best thing about the holiday season is the tie-in books to get you in the mood–or just make you merry. With derisive amusement.

Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs.  I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre.  I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field.  But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempt to be “sexy”—regardless of what’s in between the covers.  I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves.  Those books are the ones I’m presenting here for your amusement.  So sit back, relax, and watch The Bodice Rippeth.

I’m trying something a bit different with the categories:  showing off one of my favorite product lines–Anne Taintor’s vintage humor–for the categories. 

Category:  “Bad Santa”

Because nothing says “heterosexual man” like open-chested red faux fur. Believe.

Just in time for Halloween:  the Slutty Mrs. Claus!

Hm.  His expression is entirely too ominous for the jolly fat man. This seems more threatening than merry. “So sorry, I’m Jewish. Just remembered.”

Obviously this is a re-working of the old poem. I think it starts something like this:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the brothel
Not a creature was sleeping, but no one could tell
The stockings were hung on the doorknobs with care
To alert all the housemates that someone was there…

   Category:  “AKA, WTF”

This isn’t even vaguely ominous, it’s just flat-out depressing. I mean, I know a lot of stories are about orphans alone on Christmas who find a new family, but why do I want to read about someone BECOMING orphaned?  I can go watch the alternate-universe A Christmas Carol for that.

Also, it lends itself to equally creepy sequels.

For example, one of these. 

Wait, you think i’m joking?  The tagline at left, in case you can’t read it, is “Haunt me, baby.”

HAUNT ME, BABY.

They are not talking about the spirit of joy and philanthropy, here!

  
I just…it’s just…really?  Really?  You had to bring NASCAR into this?  Really?

Yeah.  This one just gets a reiteration:  WTF.

We’re seriously going to exploit the pride we have in our servicemen like this?  Badly done, Harlequin Blaze. Badly done, indeed.

Category:  “Festivus for the Rest of Us!”

Well, yes, doing it in a cemetery is pretty wicked, even for a couple pagans.

Dude must have some kind of serious waissail recipe, if he can trot around in a blizzard without a shirt on.

And I’m guessing this is the ancestor who originated it?

Wow, it’s like a fantasy planet with those Monk Lewis-esque pearlescent orbs gleaming like two extra moons in the night.

Category:  “All I Want for Christmas Is Some Nookie”

For realz. Why the hell else do you think i’m running around the Highlands in December without my shirt on?  (Or my drawers?)

And gold lamee. But mostly seduction.

You have twelve nights.  Make them count.

You do listen well, don’t you?

The red ribbon makes it look bigger.

Category:  “Clearly, You Went with Naughty”

I think this guy is trying out “D**k in a Box”! 

Gives a whole new meaning to “suck my candy cane,” doesn’t it?

The store was fresh out of coal, so you’re getting rope, instead. You’ll be just as sorry.

Misunderstanding entirely the “gay spirit” of the season, Brady decided to wait up for Santa.

Why is this innocent-seeming cover with this charming and innocent-seeming young lady in the Naughty section, you ask?  The inside cover explains it all.  Allow me:

I mean, you just never know what kind of rogue will be lurking in a holly thicket on a red velvet chaise longue in a snowstorm, waiting to pounce. 

I think this guy looks ready to watch some NASCAR, don’t you?

And one more for the road, to get your New Year started off right: 

Er, started “right.”  Over-the-knee boots are all kinds of wrong and kind of make you look like you need to get paid first…but that’s what you’re going for, right?

About Elena Nola

Elena Nola reads things, watches things, and edits things. She writes her BSC Review column, Elena's World, to tell you all about it all.