The Bodice Rippeth – May 2009

Please keep in mind, this is all in good fun for the laughs.  I am not posting these images to make fun of romance as a genre.  I read romance on a regular basis (which is why I’m in this section at the bookstore to begin with), and there are plenty of excellent writers working in the field.  But some of the cover art and titles just go too far in their attempt to be “sexy”–regardless of what’s in between the covers.  I don’t even have to lampoon them; they mock themselves.  Those books are the ones I’m presenting here for your amusement.  Sit back, relax, and watch The Bodice Rippeth….

Category:  Fanfiction

A supplement to the final Twilight book, about the time Edward and Bella do it while she’s still human.

More Twilight.  I can’t decide if this is another supplement to the final book, about Bella having Edward Sparkles’s glittery vampire baby, or Book 5:  Nessie’s All Grown Up and Ready to Bite.

About Battlestar Galactica’s resident Cylon-with-a-red-dress-on.

By Barney Stinson.  Subtitle, What to Do When Her Crazy Becomes Dominant:  One man’s life-threatening delve into the secrets of the Vicky Mendoza Crazy/Hot Scale, AKA the Mendoza Diagonal.

Category:  Someone Should Have Thought About This

From the way they photoshopped that cover together, it looks like the destiny of this wolf is to become his new mistress.  Or that the wolf is his penis, and it’s about Centolf’s journey of self-discovery.  Either way.

Doin’ it the impossible way is more like!

If that’s not Madeleine on the cover, then how is she possible getting educated?  That padawan isn’t even shaving yet!

Not to go all grammar nerd on you, but didn’t anyone ever tell you that you can’t use a pronoun without a proper antecedent?  I don’t know what “it” is in this context.  Maybe an STD?  I’m scared.

Because I’m not sure you know it.

Category:  These People Need Help, Not Enabling

Pop quiz!  Is Amanda (a) a madame intent on pimping young boys out for cash; (2) a MILF who likes her lovers like her scotch, aged 18 years; (c) a nymphomaniac who can only be satisfied with the boundless enthusiasm of a teenager?

Seriously, someone please explain to me the obsession with erotic asphixiation/necrophilia.  I don’t get it.

A painfully honest memoir from a sex addict.

The latest in the Harlequin Professionals line.

This just reminds me of an adult film plotline. 

Category:  Blatantly Obvious

It’s all in a day’s work. I just hope this is about a female executive taking advantage of her male secretary or intern or something, instead of another secretary (but another Secretary, like the James Spader/Maggei Gyllenhaal movie, would be okay!). 

Is all that I have to give. 

And none of yours, Robert. Ha!

Well, we know where this book takes place.  That sheet is a pretty flimsy disguise, though, for a double-agent.  Unless you are double-agenting as a call girl.  In which case…keep up the excellent work.

Hey, at least it’s not a wolf this time!

About Elena Nola

Elena Nola reads things, watches things, and edits things. She writes her BSC Review column, Elena's World, to tell you all about it all.